I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.
Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. I found myself troubled coping with many issues in my life'. I tend to seek comfort by abusing a usage of alcohol, thus you can assume that my alcoholic addiction didn't caused by genetics or lack of self control, it was caused by myself consciously. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.
Strangely, I never drank in high school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.
One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.
Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.
After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.
Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.
Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.
My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.
I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. The drunken episodes:
Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
I even got wasted at my sister's 50th birthday
Mouthing off on my iPhone
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
I threw punches at my husband's face so often
When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.
I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.